That's right, this machine is called the Fat Jiggler. I'm almost positive that's what it said on the internet. Since we at You Can Really Run make it our business to perform feats of all kinds, I've become interested in some older, perhaps in some cases obsolete forms of physical activity. Which brings me to this photo. Which brings me to the idea of old contraptions in general--I'm sure we will discuss this topic more as we continue our work on GHOSTS! (working title), but what I really wanted to say was that earlier today I came in contact with a compelling little machine; it was simpler than the Fat Jiggler, and more honest than mediums' mirrors and such. It was called the Elephant Ear Washer Bottle System by Dr. Easy, and it was used to wash out the gratuitous amount of ear wax that had been preventing me from hearing correctly for the last week.
Not me. But same bottle. Note the elephant.
I will spare you the specifics of the uncomfortable and sort of ticklish ear wax removal procedure; suffice it to say that afterward I was given the option to look into the specially-shaped bowl I had been holding up to my face at what had been regurgitated by my ear canal ("Ooh! A big chunk just came out!"--nurse) I declined.
I will just say this. It worked. After accidentally talking too quietly, being slow to pick up on subtle aural social cues, and generally feeling like a deaf asshole for days, I now feel like I have super powers. It's like I have a microphone in my ear. I hear my clothes rustling as I walk. I hear air conditioners. My voice sounds quieter to me, but totally normal to other people. I've never had such instant medical gratification. Cured. Thanks, Dr. Easy.